the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
