thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
