Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I want to have your abortion
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
