She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
