By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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