i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
