The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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