My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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