I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
