So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
farters have to be the big spoon...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
