what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
