My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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