I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
