shes about as inviting as chlamydia
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
