You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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