I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
