We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
