I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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