why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
