I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
