our cab driver is having phone sex.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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