3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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