the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
