Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
