I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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