I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize