You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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