you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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