wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize