I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
