I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
