if i can run in heels then i can drive
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
