you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
