I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
