i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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