I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
