she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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