this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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