Umm I'm too high to move.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
