its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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