Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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