Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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