Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
