forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can I color on your dick again?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
