I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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