I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
