Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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