I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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