I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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