my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
