I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
