pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
