my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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