We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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