My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize