Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
