I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
