I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
