dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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