im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
