literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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