i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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