Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
